The safest most dangerous taste of physical and mental endurance pain in the world.

For what you are about to receive - give thanks.

A crocodile kiddies jog of less than a mile brings you to the first assault clamber of Brasher/Disley Toll Log Flume, blood should now be flowing from a thousand legs as you hit the 7 foot Nettle Bracken Maze emerging 400 yards deeper to meet the original Slalom of 12 descents and scrambles of a 45˚ hillside of 2 metre high Nettle Bracken for ¾ of a mile.

In January we have planned to precede this with a Skywalk Jog preview around the Killing Fields for an extra 2 an a bit miles.

All contestants by now will be cursing Mr Mouse for the itch and scratch blood soaked legs covered in horse flies and desperately slugging water from the first drinks station before Bear Wood. The Beasts within will be cutlassed drawn to induce you to crawl the 500 yards of Tough Guy™ undergrowth. Your pains are by now screaming at you to get out of there. For relief lies 200 yards ahead at the Gurkha Grand National where soothing leech ponds will smafe the further cargo net ground crawls for 400 yards of crawl and ditch.

Turning at the Technospanner Legover the mighty Tiger will loom before you. Here you have the choice of falling from whatever height you choose (sorry, the cattle stunning hidden electric wires will herald your dropping off point).

So 400 yards from the Gurkha passing the Tiger you meet your next Thirst Stop.

Do take a drink because the next water you meet will be flambéed. Just 300 yards through Colditz (more bruises) and Behemoth Tree Top Ropes (50 yards of agony fear clamber) scrawl scream or just plain white faced fear.

You have just commenced the Killing Fields in Death Valley.

20 yards off the Behemoth is the Battle of the Somme.

We all marvel at Grandad's heroics (no one's grandma went to the trenches) so we built a re enactment, only 100 metres but jammed pack with fire, brimstone, deep ditches, barbed wire entrapments (just so you know a little of the Somme and the Fiery Holes). You can escape only through a tunnel of tyres crawling agony to ripple your knees, 100 yards further you come to hit the Swamp, our original 22 year muck and mulch to suck smiles from sallow cheeks and shoes off your feet (and sheep) to disappear forever, all 100 yards of it then over the fence into No Man's Land 300 yards dash to enter the Vietcong Torture Chamber. This is fear underground.

In Saigon, the Vietcong dug tunnels beneath the American camps and came up at night to slit a few throats whilst they slept. In our Torture Chamber there is the smell of the grave where the worms and maggots reign supreme especially that if in the darkness you choose the wrong tunnel and find yourself in a dead end. The only way out is back where you came but there are 10 behind you and two of them are screaming with fear of claustrophobia. Being shafted by Blackthorn Rods, hanging Electric Octopus Tentacles, Clanging Quasimodo Bells, white noise and seeping grey gas. If the screams reach 200 decibels we open the escape hatches which are big enough for a 6 stone woman to squeeze through. It is amazing how fear gets the weight off!!!

I daren't tell you how far it is to get through those dark and dangerous tunnels especially if your knees are pouring with blood.

As you emerge, there is a bevy of cadets, learning to bomb aim with flour and treacle bombs to rain down upon you.

Get out of that area quickly. 100 yards further on you cross the bulrushes to the fearsome Sky Walk. Here you have 3 choices of Climbing, Crossing and Clamber:

Tried and tested where there is a catch net 12 foot below (if you should slip) a cargo net descent or a monkey scrawl rope over the pool.

The New Blue, a scrabble over rooftops to descend by tree slither.

Sky Walk forty feet up on a plank of wood with a catch net below and a descent by Tree High Stair Diving.

We have First Response paramedics with a fireman's Telehandler to get you down if your blood freezes over. The welcome sight below is a drinks station (champagne some call it), to your right is the Field Hospital. To your left is the Slosh Pool (your choice).

So you are now travelling the 400 yards to the Chicane, a series of 'get me used to it' ducks, poles across the water to prepare you for the Underwater Cavern experience. The tricky bit is the Fear feel forward crowds to your left crowds to your right, crowds behind yours not to wonder why do it or die. Just keep moving forward arm outstretched to touch the rubber hand of a Rescue Diver with assurance that if you do gulp in a bellyful of this muddy stream and collapse to the bottom our Gregarious Guards Divers will get you out (we haven't lost one yet). You must feel to the silted floor where ropes are strong to guide your way through to the heart warming sight of merciful light.

Once triumphant (Triumph and Disaster are both impostors, treat them equally said Rudyard 1921), you leave the now freezing water and face the Brandenburg Gate.

This is a straight up cargo netting climb creep over the top and descend carefully by abseil or cargo netting. We do get a few fallers from this 41 foot monster but the straw below is quite thick landing.

At top you will see the Stair Dive challenge into a soggy net with a coupe de grace swallow dive.

100 yards further, having lost the burning in your throat, you climb above the lake to take the Titanic Scream Jump to the lake below. Do not dive, the blood will bring a shoal of pike to feed.

Swim/wade as directed by the eager Fire Cadet marshals to the Iron Bull Log Store where you are issued your prize to carry around the lake floating atop the water with a bit of string attached to your ears you are tasked to nose push it 200 metres around the lake where you must carry your iron bull log and deposit it back in the store. If you leave it in the water the Young Firefighters Brigade have 'Practice fire hoses' to knock you back into the water to retrieve it.

In July we will replace the barrel bridge with the Dragon raft experience to give ya a body warm up and a dead leg treacle mine.

Clamber out and jog 200 yards to Dan's Deceiver. The name says expect something tasty as a prelude to crossing the Dragon. This, although being hilarious, is great for taking the skin off your fingers and your ankles with rope burns (say no more) Coming soon a zip wire fast decent like a skittle alley lose a leg or knock a head off.

Your next Drinks Station is a Godsend, here served by Wolverhampton Explorer Scouts.

For 20 more yards away you enter the Somme walkways. Just pick up an account of the Somme and read about the young lads who fell from these walkboards and sank into the mire, no one could help without getting sucked in with them. (Today thousands of bodies are beneath the sod. 600 thousand died at the Somme in July 1916) We remember with thanks and admiration.

You then enter the Gladiatough Arena Collosseum where the Spartan Test of Courage awaits you 400 metres of Jesus Planks figure of 8 interlaced with crossovers defended by SPARTACUS Himself. You can carry a Spartan Jousting Stick to challenge the Toughest Cage Fighter Russian in Europe.

You then crawl beneath the barbed wire of the Stalag Escape, only 50 yards together with the Planks.

By now you are thankful as you know that after 150 yards of tyre trekking and a 200 yard jog you will cross the flesh burning electric Sting Crawl to receive a jelly baby shoved into your mouth with a latex gloved hand.

You then can see the finish but unfortunately the West Brom Fire Cadets shove a ribbon around your neck to signify your passing as they flog you on to go and do another circuit of the water assault obstacles except the Iron Bull Log which is replaced by joining a Dragon Raft for your traverse of the Lake.

In January the West Brom Fire Cadets force you to endure the Viagra Falls, a burn arse rubber chute with electric hanging Jelly fish this shock treatment is cheaper and twice as cock standing as the expensive tablet variety. Aided by the practice fire hose slipping you treatfully into a sponge pond. Two or maybe three goes cleanses and defeats everyone to arrive at the finish line blue hypothermic but pristine alive to receive a heavy horse brass award.

You then return an hour later battered, bruised, bleeding, screaming for mercy to these grinning squelchy fiends who in the Devil's clothing of the Fire Brigade, force you with hoses to take a small trip down the Viagra Slide to a barrel of spongy water then you may proceed the 300 yards Hill Climb to the Finish - and a nice cup of hot tea with a horse brass around your neck, hugged and kissed.

You are a Tough Guy™!

Beyond this is the 100 horse shower where you must leave the mud behind because we realised that competitors were actually stealing the farm piece by piece with body caked mud.

How far was it?