Yohimbé

Brother Toughigus is our AA (Ancient Advisor).

His brilliant adaptation of January 32nd 2004 will be in use once again in 2009 (everything turns in circles ya know).

Now Brother Toughigus is 196 years old and having woken him up from his hibernation, we asked him for a Tough Guy SHOUT.

We tried several suggest like mastiff and Xjubanaaka.

We had researched ‘The S.E.A.L.S', the American Special Forces who had their own shout of ???? when they had endured their survival disciplines.

So we poured Brother Toughigus a rather large glass of champagne or two and his old cap rose up off his head as his ancient ears sprung into action.

‘Michael Caine' he says.  ‘Stanley Baker' he says.  ‘Jack Hawkins' he says.  We looked at the label on the empty champagne bottle with alarm.  Brother Toughigus farted and burped.  For those who haven't read 2005 ‘Bravefart, send for a copy now (send 6 stamps and a donation).  It tells you why all Tough Guys should fart freely if you want to live as long as Brother Toughigus and his secret children Wart Whisker and Ta-Che-Mouse.

We opened a bottle of vintage Dom Perignon and poured liberally into Brother Toughigus's pewter mug.  We declined to pour it straight into his mouth as he was in danger of lying down on us and if we let him fall asleep we will not be able to wake him for another year or so.

We baked him French bread to soak up the liberal champagne before it seeped into his bloodstream and got to his brain.

‘Cheese' he shouted.  ‘That won't better The S.E.A.L.S. shout' we said then realised he was pointing to his French bread.  So we fed him his favourite Gorgonzola and waited as he slurped, belched and farted.

‘What has Michael Caine got to do with the S.E.A.L shout?' we asked.

Brother Toughigus showered us with a mouthful of bread and champagne, miraculously his able tongue had separated the Gorgonzola.

‘Zulu' he said.  That sounds better but it ain't very original.

‘Zulus' said Brother Toughigus ‘are a 10,000 year old tribe.  Africa was all tribes, they each had their own bit of land and lived happily until greed overcame their neighbours.  So the many peaceful and contented tribes had to find a simple effective way to chase the marauding scavenger tribes from invading and stealing their land and property'.

They smelted their old ploughshares and forged long metal lances, they killed lions and monkeys with their bare hands and hung the lion's mane on the end of their lances.

They invented the Willy Warmer Codpiece which was a bit of lion's skin and thrashed it around their waist, beneath it they hung a monkey's tail with the central nerve sinew attached to their belt.

They then formed great lines of 300 men  standing side by side.  They advanced slowly towards the enemy waving their long lance spears in the air, pulling at the monkey tail sinew so that their lion cloth willy warmer thrashed up and down.  They stamped their feet in a hip-hop dance and shouted ‘Yohimbé' which translated means ‘My dick's bigger than yours'.

With a last long fart Brother Toughigus faded into slumber.